In September of 1995 I was one step away from committing suicide. My husband and I were strung out on drugs I had quit my job, we were about to loose our home, and I felt like there was no hope for tomorrow. I awoke early on this morning, made some coffee, and had decided to sit out back and watch the sun come up. For some reason I had picked up a bible, I thought somehow that there might be some comfort in reading it. After reading for a while I started to pray for God to help me. As I read more I started hearing this voice in my head telling me to walk up to the church on the corner. I thought it was just my own voice I was hearing in my head so I dismissed it at first, but I kept hearing the voice. Five times this voice told me to walk up to the church on the corner, so the last time I thought, "OK I'll go."
As I walked I remember being scared and thinking "what was I going to say to this preacher, that I was a drug addict, that I quit my job and was just waiting to be thrown out of my home, that I was an adulteress that my husband was my third." How could anyone forgive the things I had done? I was not worthy of forgiveness." But this still small voice in my head kept repeating to me, "be not afraid he will meet you at the door", over and over I kept hearing this voice repeating " be not afraid he'll meet you at the door".
As I reached the church I walked up to the back door and rang the bell. It was early and I wasn't sure anyone would be there that time of day. But as I rang the bell a second time a man came down the stairs. I wanted to run but couldn't, it was like I was stuck and was afraid to move. By the time the man reached the door I thought I was going to fall, I was so scared my knees were weak I was shaking all over. When the man opened the door he ask me what I wanted and I ask him if I could speak to the pastor. As he spoke the next words I almost fell to my knees, he was the pastor and would love to have me come in and speak to him. As I followed him up the stairs to his office I felt like I had just heard the voice of God "How else could this have happened just like the voice said it would?"

I spoke to the pastor for some time that morning and before I left the church I had surrendered my Life to God. I would like to say everything was all right from that day on but all I can really say is, I have not been the same since. I no longer wanted to do the things I had done in the past. Things at my home did not change and probably like every one I thought God would miraculously change my life and make everything OK. But that did not happen the only thing that changed was, me. I was still searching for something but didn't know what or how to find it. God was calling me but I didn't know where to find him.

For over fifty years I carried around feeling that I was not worth forgiving. God could forgive everyone else but I was so bad that He would never forgive me. I was sexually abused at 7 by a neighbor. I had a father who was not only an alcoholic but was also very mean when he drank. He took his anger out on me because I always tried to protect my mom from him. I would stand in front of her and take her beatings instead of letting him beat her. That would make him mad and as I grew up the beating became worse. I think about it now and I don't think he liked how strong I was. I was raped at 14 and was told by my father "I deserved everything I got" he made me feel like I was no good. He would curse and call me ugly names and made me feel like I was as bad as he said I was. That was the last straw I couldn't take any more… I rebelled against everything from that time on. I felt no one loved me, so I ran away and began doing things that only those girls like me did. I drank, did drugs, and had sex with just about anyone I could. I cared nothing about myself I did things I have never and will never tell any one but God about. God forgave me of all those things that day in the church, but I had to learn how to forgive myself.

I met some people at the church that first week that have helped carry me through some really rough spots. They pray with me, help me to learn Gods word, show me how to apply it in my life and have become very good friends. They have been working at the St. Louis Healing Rooms and have taken me there with them. I feel like God has been working in my life about this forgiveness for some time. In the past few months he has been preparing me to be receptive to the things I would hear in a service I attended with a man called Pablo Bottari. After hearing him I was restless and upset for several days. I couldn't sleep all I could think of was the words I heard him say about how God wants us to be free but we have to do our part and give up the things we still carry around. He opened my eyes to how much God loves me, and how to give away all these things I had been caring around for so long.

I had been attending the healing class at the St. Louis Healing Room several days after the service and one night while I was in the middle of the class God started working on my heart. After the class I ask if I could be prayed for and that night God set me free from all the junk I had carried around for all those years. I have been released from a bondage I no longer have to accept, I no longer feel unclean and dirty.

I just want everyone to know that no matter what you've done, no matter how bad you think you are or were, you to can be set free. All you have to do is truly seek God with all your heart and believe that He sent His only Son "Jesus" to die on the cross for our sins. That through the blood of Jesus Christ we will have, everlasting life. Ask Him to forgive you your sins and he will set you free. Give Him the praise and the glory, and put Him first in everything you do.

Praise God, He has set me FREE! Praise his Holy name.

Sandy H